Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I've been in a state of conflict since my last post. Several times yesterday I wanted to run back to my computer and delete my last post. I felt it was silly and not worthy of putting out there. But something in me refused to touch the delete button. I think that post was necessary and couldn't have come out of me at a better time.
You may have heard of a place in the world where they make beautiful hand woven rugs and they purposefully create a flaw in each rug to express their humility... a way to symbolize the imperfection in all of us. I see my last post as my own little flaw, glitch...a break from the incessant worry that what I write isn't lyrical enough, poetic enough, metaphoric enough...not perfect enough. I've put so much pressure upon myself to try to write well. Whether or not I have succeeded is subjective. But this strive to be "enough" is tiresome. In my everyday life I consider myself to be a very real and honest person, very much an open book, and it's not that I feel I am being dishonest in this new space, because I feel as though I am being very genuine. It's just that I am afraid to go wrong...say the wrong thing, become boring, scatterbrained, weird, too silly, too much this, too much that...whatever. Maybe all of this stems from the fact that I am writing to an unknown. I am writing to people who don't know the real me...I am also writing to a part of myself who hasn't quite figured out who the real me is.
It was very important to me from the beginning to make sure my truest self was being presented here. And that truest self encompasses a whole lot of different sides and angles to my personality. I can be silly at times. I can also be moody, sad, introspective, peaceful, angry, shy, friendly and bubbly, insecure, oversensitive, philosophical, compassionate, and a multitude of other things...just like everyone else.
I've never been much of a writer, and I don't know if I will ever be as passionate about words as I am about pictures. But I do wish to be able to express myself, my many selves. And now that I have created my own *flaw in the rug* I can hopefully continue to be beautifully imperfect, original, quirky, like no other.....myself.