Saturday, October 1, 2011


Why is change so damn hard?

Change represents the loss of some thing, in place of another thing. Well, what if that other thing isn't what you hoped for? What if you really felt you needed the original thing? Is that the life lesson? To let go of things you think you need and be open to what comes?

Maybe. But I don't feel like being optimistic or philosophical.

How do I let my loved ones go with well-being in my heart for them when my own well-being is suffering?

This chunk of rock in the middle of the ocean that I have chosen to call home... this place that feels so much like can if feel so lonely now? How did this island become so isolating? Can it still be home when my family is so far? What is home? The place or the people?

I feel as though I am being left behind. If this loss feels so intense, why am I the only one that seems to be feeling it? Is it because I am not the one doing the leaving?

Is my anger justified?
How about my sense of betrayal?
How do I keep resentment from clouding my sense of things?

Why is fear overriding love?
How do I turn it all around?

It is as though I am floating in a little lifeboat... but the paddles have drifted away from me. Lost to an overwhelming current much beyond my control. Can I learn to trust the tides to bring me back to a safe place?

My safe place. Maybe it will no longer be so?

My tears, the same muted colour of the sea.... an entity that used to sustain me feels like a barrier now to those that I love.
Where do I go from here?


  1. jaime....
    i don't know what happened.....
    {trying to read between the lines}
    but can feel how awful you're feeling.

    i wish there was something i could do.....xoxox

  2. Check this out, it will cheer you up. It is my excersise program. We call it the bert bounce.

    Hope things get better

  3. Oh sweetie... I am sending you virtual hugs. Just know that this is only temporary and that time heals. Soon you will get the paddles back. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. xoxo

  4. Oh sweetheart, my heart aches for you. Sending you hugs in the hope that they act as some kind of buoy until you're able to find those paddles. x

  5. The first thought that comes to mind is that is possible. If it is change that you yearn for, it can happen. It will probably bring fear and uncertainty but that might be temporary. In my 40's, I look back (I can't believe I am saying this...making me feel old) and see that "darker" periods in my life were really stages that were bringing me from one to another. You might be in the middle of one of those life changes. However, your visual and writing of your feelings is profoundly beautiful and one that we can probably all relate to. So in expressing your current feelings and emotions, you are still reaching out and helping those of us who enjoy everything about you.

  6. Oh, sweet girl. Oh no.

    I have been thinking of you often and worrying and wondering if all is well. Now I can see that it is not and I hurt for you.

    I am praying for you - for healing and for wisdom. And, I am here. Call or write if you wish to talk. Sending you much love.

  7. Sorry you are feeling such pain. Change is hard. Pain is hard. Perhaps you need to feel what you feel to know what comes next. Something that always helps me in any hard situation is remembering that everything is temporary. Everything. If you don't like something, you can choose to change it. If you're not sure what the right thing to do is, you can try an answer on for size. If it doesn't work out, choose a different answer. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely for loved ones. I feel lonely often and it's not something I have figured out how to cure as I often feel alone even with loved ones around. Whatever your troubles, your situation, I hope you find some resolution soon. Hate to hear the sadness in your words. Sending love. If you need to talk, vent, share, e-mail me any time.

  8. I just returned home from home and spent 3 teary days in the same foggy sea that you are also adrift upon. For the first time in a long time I am unsure of where home is, what it is, or what it should or could be. The guilt of taking a grandchild away from her grandparents and watching her grandfather wipe tears from his eyes reached into the guiltiest depths of me and gutted me of most of the reasons I ever left in the first place. Why when I left years ago did I not feel like I was leaving anything behind? Why this time was it so hard to leave? Maybe now that I have my own family I understand the importance of family? If my daughter came to me in the future and wanted to move away to find her place I would not want her to go but I would not stop her. We all need to find a place to go to learn, to adventure and to discover. Once we have a better understanding of ourselves perhaps we discover that it wasn't only a geographic place we were looking for but a place within ourselves. Maybe once we find that place it doesn't matter where we are. Maybe its more important where we will go. Change is hard but it is inevitable. Follow your heart, it will lead you home, after all, home is where the heart is! :)

  9. Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry you're in pain. I hope the burden lightens soon.


  10. i hate to hear the sadness in your words. i hope the struggle ends the tide brings you to safe shore soon.

  11. I skipped reading all the other comments......and who knows the total picture..... but, from what you have written..... sounds like you are too far away from family and friends.... not much else to do.... move closer I think..... you can always visit your rock ... and, there are always beautiful things to photograph anywhere you live.... maybe you just aren't meant to be far away from those you seem to be missing....some people just need family and friends nearer....

  12. Change is hard. Loss is hard. I feel the hard of it with you.

    Wishing you safety and comfort.


  13. Sending you a big hug and hoping everything is alright!
    xo Catherine

  14. As I read this..I can feel your sense of isolation..your pain. My heart aches for you. I sometimes need to remind myself that no feeling is final..that this too shall pass...