Saturday, October 1, 2011
Why is change so damn hard?
Change represents the loss of some thing, in place of another thing. Well, what if that other thing isn't what you hoped for? What if you really felt you needed the original thing? Is that the life lesson? To let go of things you think you need and be open to what comes?
Maybe. But I don't feel like being optimistic or philosophical.
How do I let my loved ones go with well-being in my heart for them when my own well-being is suffering?
This chunk of rock in the middle of the ocean that I have chosen to call home... this place that feels so much like home...how can if feel so lonely now? How did this island become so isolating? Can it still be home when my family is so far? What is home? The place or the people?
I feel as though I am being left behind. If this loss feels so intense, why am I the only one that seems to be feeling it? Is it because I am not the one doing the leaving?
Is my anger justified?
How about my sense of betrayal?
How do I keep resentment from clouding my sense of things?
Why is fear overriding love?
How do I turn it all around?
It is as though I am floating in a little lifeboat... but the paddles have drifted away from me. Lost to an overwhelming current much beyond my control. Can I learn to trust the tides to bring me back to a safe place?
My safe place. Maybe it will no longer be so?
My tears, the same muted colour of the sea.... an entity that used to sustain me feels like a barrier now to those that I love.
Where do I go from here?